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  1. #1
    Jelly Fish Marvin's Avatar
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    Jokes (Please, no-over-the-top vulgarity or racist stuff)

    Last summer, one of my friends from Lake City came for a week visit. He asked me how to pick up women on the beach. He said he had one of those fancy European tight bathing suit, but it didn't help.

    I told him to put a huge baking potato down the suit.

    I saw him on the beach later the next day. He said he did what I said and it didn't help a bit.

    I told him that he had done good, but tomorrow drop it down the FRONT of the suit.
    Last edited by Marvin; 11-13-2015 at 12:49 PM.

  2. #2
    Sea anemone Salty Dog's Avatar
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    I’m reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help and wishes to remain anonymous.

    His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

    When he came back, he handed her diet pills.

    Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.

  3. #3
    Jelly Fish Marvin's Avatar
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    Name:  Old-Man.jpg
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    Redneck: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
    Redneck: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit
    ***********

    Some idiot looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
    I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit?
    ***********

    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
    I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit?
    ***********

    I was telling a girl in the local bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
    "Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
    I said, "Yesterday."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit?
    ***********

    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit?
    ***********

    I went to a bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
    When you are over seventy, who gives a shit?
    Last edited by Marvin; 07-28-2015 at 12:17 PM.
    Please support our honest and hard working veterans by hiring them if you own a business on the Grand Strand.

  4. #4
    Jelly Fish Marvin's Avatar
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    A young redneck boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Paw, what is the difference between 'potentially and 'realistically'?'

    The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

    So the boy went to his mother and said 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
    The mother replied 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

    The boy then went to his sister and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt. I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

    The boy then went to his brother and asked 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
    'Of course' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

    The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his paw.
    His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially' and realistically'?'
    The boy replied, 'Yes sir, Paw, 'Potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

    But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a gay.'
    Last edited by Marvin; 06-25-2017 at 09:45 AM.
    Please support our honest and hard working veterans by hiring them if you own a business on the Grand Strand.

  5. #5
    Jelly Fish Marvin's Avatar
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    - John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"


    That won him the top prize at the Irish pub for the best toast of the night!


    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"




    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
    Please support our honest and hard working veterans by hiring them if you own a business on the Grand Strand.

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